Highway Ice Skating

January 8th, 2011 by Harrumpher Leave a reply »

Bang…bang against the Jersey barrier…

This morning in the worst of the icy snowfall,we got to see a Masshole in prime form. Having learned to drive in the absurdly steep and serpentine mountains of West Virginia’s Eastern panhandle, I’m fine on snowy roads. I can’t say the same for most of our locals. This morning’s bozo was such.

At 30 degrees, 128 had two inches of road nasties, a porridge of snow and ice. The shoulders and onramps got the highway plows’ residue of six or so inches of the perilous muck. That’s where the Masshole’s arrogance met defeat by physics.

His Ford Expedition should rightly be a Ford Exhibitionist. He gunned it over the snow and ice bank and around cars on the ramp. Big man=Big jerk.

We were in the middle of three lanes two vehicles back, in prime viewing position. The fat new SUV immediately spun counterclockwise. Through the grace of coincidence, it slid across three lanes without taking out any smarter drivers.

Somewhere between the third lane and the mini-shoulder and Jersey barriers, the Masshole managed to steer into the skid. It was too late to get back in the traffic flow, but at least he didn’t go headfirst into the concrete.

Instead, the driver’s side rear swung into it. In an impressive discarding of trim and metal, the side and bumper and lenses fairly exploded like a toy blown up with firecrackers.

That was no place to stop. Even at 45 MPH, it was plain the Masshole would not be seriously injured despite his reckless wreck. Sure, he’d have some considerable inconvenience – snaking his Exhibitionist to the breakdown lane, waiting for a wrecker or nervously heading to home or the dealer’s to begin the repair spiral. For him, he likely will escape charges as well as injury. He’ll lose some cash and get an insurance surcharge.

To those of us he put at risk, he won’t get enough punishment. Yet I think I can speak for all of us in self-interest that we were relieved to have been mere spectators.


One Response

  1. Uncle says:

    ‘Tis a grand and glorious spectacle. It always was, here in the flatlands. However the SUV (Super Uber Vehicle) has brought a new degree of dark comedy to Massachusetts driving. Everyone knows they’re invulnerable: yeah.

    I once asked my cousin in mid-coast Maine why I saw so few SUVs on the road. Drivers seemed to opt instead for traditional two-wheel drive pickups loaded with sand and extra caution. She’d asked a local the same question. He said “They don’t work up heah.” Perhaps because they need a Masshole behind the wheel.

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